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Smitten

Jake on How to Make Your Hookup Something More

厌倦了搭讪?So are a lot of guys,Jake reports.Here's how to flip the switch when you want more.At our weekly Bachelor viewing party (yes,I go to one;yes,there are more guys than girls;是的,it is the highlight of my week),my friend Jason,* 29,告诉我他和这个女人交往了一个月。They'd met on Tinder,gone to dinner on their first date,他们第二次睡了一觉,然后进入了一种熟悉的短信和搭讪方式,这种方式似乎在2016年定义了大多数关系。I could tell Jason was bummed about how everything was playing out."I can't believe I'm saying this," he said with a sigh,"but I'm kind of over these casual hookups.I want to find something…real." I knew exactly what Jason was talking about.Lately plenty of my friends,both male and female,have been complaining about how much their phones dominate their dating lives."Hooking up has become so easy there's a backlash to it," says my friend Danielle,32。"Kind of like how it was cool when you first saw brussels sprouts on menus at restaurants,but then

厌倦了搭讪?So are a lot of guys,Jake reports.Here's how to flip the switch when you wantmore.

At our weekly单身汉viewing party (yes,I go to one;yes,there are more guys than girls;是的,it is the highlight of my week),my friend Jason,* 29,告诉我他和这个女人交往了一个月。They'd met on Tinder,gone to dinner on their first date,他们第二次睡了一觉,然后进入了一种熟悉的短信和搭讪方式,这种方式似乎在2016年定义了大多数关系。I could tell Jason was bummed about how everything was playing out."I can't believe I'm saying this," he said with a sigh,"but I'm kind of over these casual hookups.I want to find something…real."

我很清楚杰森在说什么。Lately plenty of my friends,both male and female,have been complaining about how much their phones dominate their dating lives."Hooking up has become so easy there's a backlash to it," says my friend Danielle,32。"Kind of like how it was cool when you first saw brussels sprouts on menus at restaurants,but then they popped up everywhere,and now I never want another brussels sprout."

I still love a good brussels sprout,but I get it.A few months ago,在发现以姓氏Tinder(包括四个不同的Jessica Tinders没有玩笑)保存的令人沮丧的电话联系后,I took the drastic step of deleting all five (five!) dating apps on my phone.A week later I went out on a set-up.Olivia and I have now been dating five months.是什么让这种关系与众不同?I'd like to say we took it slow and refrained from hooking up on the first date,但那将是一个很大的谎言。Nope,I think the difference with Olivia and me is that we both went into our meeting with higher expectations than we would have had for,say,a Blendr connection.因为我不是expectingto take Olivia home,I could relax and focus on our conversation."You asked me questions about the future," she remembers.“在火辣的日子里,这几乎是禁忌。It's all about the moment,and I think girls feel extra pressure to just be chill and go along with it." My单身汉-party friend Jason agrees: "I think I mentally equate Tinder with a hookup."

In other words,it's not a Tinder problem;it's a user problem.Which means if you're looking for a relationship,you don't have to give up dating apps or the access they give you to interesting,attractive people.But you may want to recalibrate your approach.怎么用?My friend Molly,28,swears by the eight-hour rule: at least that much sober(ish) conversation,spread out over however many dates it takes,before hooking up.

如果你已经和某人在一起8个小时了,and you've fallen into a pattern of hooking up,texting,hooking up?If you suck it up and have a potentially awkward conversation,it can turn out better than you'd think."I'd been hooking up with this guy for,like,a month when it hit me that I liked him," says my friend Ashley,30."Finally one night I said,'Hey,not that this isn't fun,but it'd be nice to,you know,hang out outside our respective bedrooms sometime.' Turns out he'd been feeling the same way.A couple of days later,he invited me to go bowling." True love?没有,到他们第二次约会时,阿什利(她有一个医学博士学位)。in filmmaking) discovered he was the kind of guy who talks loudly through movies.But hey,at least she never had to wonder whether he was the one who got away.

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Which is instructive in its own way: Those rare cases of first-glance love aside,它需要effortto figure out if someone's right for you.And while "Is this person fun to have sex with?" can be an important part of that investigation,it's been my experience that the other stuff—like,我们有电影礼仪问题吗?-值得先弄清楚。哦,and if you too are over the Tinder thing,I highly recommend finding a单身汉(or未婚女子) viewing party near you.Those things are crawling with dudes.

杰克是个单身汉,在洛杉矶生活和约会。

*Some names and identifying details have been changed.